I can’t sleep. It’s 1am and my brain won’t stop. So what do I do? I write. What’s keeping me up you might wonder? How about the thought that I have an entire life ahead of me and I’m afraid.
I’m getting married to my best friend of 5 years and high school sweet heart in 3 weeks. As much as it should terrify me, I’ve taken should out of my vocabulary. It doesn’t scare me. In fact, it keeps me going most days. It keeps me going because right now, life is almost unbearably hard.
I just returned home from serving an LDS mission just 2 and a half months ago. I jumped straight into school and am taking 15 credits, all online, while working a full time job. For a while I was coaching soccer as well. I bit off more than I could chew. But now, I don’t have an option but to chew. So I put the aching jaw aside.
I wish that’s why I were up tonight. Tonight my mind contemplates my career path. My whole life I wanted to be a teacher or a nurse. Two very different things right? Well, I chose nurse. They run in the family. Mom was a nurse, so was grandma, and so was great grandma. Now it was my turn. Right? Before my mission I studied at BYUI and tossed around the idea of being a physical therapist instead. I went on a mission and I tossed around the idea of dozens of other career options. I couldn’t decide. Right before returning home I decided nursing. “That’s a safe bet right? This world will always need nurses. I’ll always have a job opportunity. Right?” Wrong! What this world really needs is someone who is passionate about whatever they decide to do in life, no matter what.
I was taking two tests this past weekend. At the end of submitting both of them, tears flooded my face as I saw the scores. Scores that didn’t reflect my knowledge or passion for those particular subjects. Scores that now put me inside a box to tell me if I was good enough or not to move forward in my dream of health care. Those scores seemed to scream and me and say “you’ll never be good enough.”
I struggle with school. I understand more than I’ll ever show on paper. I have a passion far greater than you’ll see in a score. I love to learn. I love to grow and try new things with my education. But you’ll never know it by putting me into a box. I have struggled my whole life with test taking and assessments. I don’t know why, I study like crazy. I work extremely hard and I still come up short.
After this reality that I may not be “good enough” dad found me in his office wiping tears of disappointment, embarrassment, fear of the next step, and complete and utter frustration. We began to talk. As we did, he discovered something inside of me that I have bottled up. Maybe nursing isn’t for me. Maybe being labeled “Samantha Ellis RN” isn’t in my future. But I love to care for people. I love the concept of the human body. I love to sit and listen to my residents at work tell me their life story. I love the Administration side of assisted living-which is something my current job allows me to experience.
Funny how things always take us different directions than what we’d planned. It’s disappointing at the same time.
I’ll be honest-my entire life I wanted my career to consist of little feet running around my house calling me Mom. My paid career, is second. But that doesn’t mean my education isn’t something I strive for.
I’m slowing learning once again that I’m not in control, I can’t be in control. Our lord and savior is in control. He sees the beginning from the end. He sees the final puzzle piece. He knows in the end, I’ll be happy. He knows no matter how scary my future looks to me right now and no matter how trapped I feel by my own weaknesses, that I will be okay. My soon to be husband and I will be okay. Our little family will be okay. So for now, I trust. I trust that He will carry me through until that day where I know, I’ll be okay.
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