The Honest Truth of Being a Returned Missionary

I was reading a book today called The Return Missionary Handbook. I opened it thinking, “I really hope this has some answers, because for the first time in 18 months, I no longer have answers.” I showed up at the book store looking for something that could fill my time when I wasn’t doing anything else because as a missionary we are use to 100% of the time, having something to do.

               I have been home four weeks now, which makes me a professional at the whole “returned missionary” thing right? Wrong. As I was reading this book, I had so many thoughts run through my head as the author shared many true stories of other missionaries and their struggles that they have experienced upon their return back to what everyone seems to call normal life. There were many things she wrote about that I was shocked. The clear and honest truth about this huge life change. There was one young man who shared his experiences that led me on a path of thought. I hope to share with you the feelings of my heart. Ive been asked over 100 times what it is like being home, what are my plans for the future, and when am I getting married. Folks, let’s take a step back. Here is the honest truth about being home from a mission.

               It is harder than anyone can help prepare you for. As a missionary in the field, we have a vision of how everything is supposed to go when we get home. We are stepping into a fairy tale, or so we have it planned in our head. We imagine the family trips, the long and warm summer nights with the friends we’ve so desperately missed, the best date nights ever with the boy we left behind, the endless nights of movies that we’ve missed, driving down the highway blasting that new country music we never got to hear, and the endless amounts of phone calls we will make to all those we can’t see in person. The list can go on and on. Sometimes they will include two weeks of hibernation to catch up on the pure exhaustion we feel. Let me tell you, very few of those things have I actually done.

               This truth is even harder-I have never felt so relieved than the day I was released as a missionary. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my mission more than I could ever express with black characters on a white background, but I no longer was having to carry the weight of souls on my shoulders. Sure, we do in life still, but it is not the same as it was in the mission field. Serving a mission is simple, it’s not easy but it’s simple but what people don’t understand unless they do it, is the pressure that we constantly feel. People wonder why missionaries are so tired all the time. Well this is why. Yes, we sleep 8 hours a night, more than we probably ever did before our missions, but our minds are NEVER at rest. We are constantly worried about everyone else. How do I help this investigator have a desire to be baptized? How do I get this less active to have a desire to return to church? How do I help instead of burden the bishop? How do I gain the trust of my mission president? How do I help this brand new missionary learn everything they need to know before I leave? In some ways, they are concerns similar to that of what a parent might feel for their children.

               Don’t misunderstand, being released as a missionary caused tears to flow more freely than they ever, EVER, have before. Some of those tears came as I pictured faces of those I served, some came as I felt that release of pressure and my body realized I could take a breath and rest for a little bit, others came as I looked at my family that surrounded me that I hadn’t seen in over 18 months, others were anxiety that filled my heart as everyone in the room asked me what my next step was.

               People ask me, almost daily, “what does it feel like to be home?” or “how is it being home?” I always respond the same way, “Its weird.” I say that because my heart and brain don’t know how to fully respond to that question. Do I say “It feels absolutely incredible to sleep deeply at night and be surrounded by my family”? or do I say “I absolutely hate it.” See the issue? Which would you rather hear? We don’t know how to answer that question. So I’ll answer both. I love it and I hate it. I don’t miss the stress but I miss the people. I don’t miss being constantly overwhelmed and feeling inadequate but I miss the strong feelings of the Holy Ghost that we experience as missionaries. I don’t miss the long list of rules and the 446 rules and regulations in the “White Bible” as well call it (Missionary Handbook), but I do miss the relationship I had with other missionaries.

               See? We never win. Our heart is constantly torn. There is no way to truly fill the void we feel as returned missionaries. So, advice-don’t try. Let us hurt. Its okay to be confused and lost and feel so unsure about what tomorrow is going to look like because we don’t have a companion to do daily planning with. It means that the last 18-24 months meant something to us. We only got 18-24 months, so let us have a few more. Don’t ask us what our next step is, because everyone else already has. Ask us what we learned, how we’ve changed, and what experiences impacted us most. Allow us to step out of this world and back into missionary life for just a few minutes. That’ll leave more of an impact on your heart and ours if you give us a moment to reflect back on the experiences we just had.

               Thank you for those who have influenced a missionary, soon to be or returned, in any way. We don’t say it enough but thank you. We couldn’t do what we do without your help, love and support. This transition back to “normal life” is almost harder than the transition of becoming a missionary. So instead of trying to fix it, or speed up the process, love us and support us because one day we will figure it out. But don’t expect it to be today and be okay with that.

All my love,

Forever-with or without a name tag.

Sister Samantha Ellis

Weaknesses Magnified

Have you ever felt like there is a little list inside of you that has written on it "all the ways to push my buttons" or "all the weaknesses I posses"? Does that list seem to sometimes be put under a magnifying glass for the whole world to read? I personally feel as if there have been times, okay maybe a lot of times, that my weaknesses have been put on display right alongside of my giant plate of insecurities. There are even things I never analyzed as weaknesses or even insecurities but when they're put on display, I struggle to see them as strengths.

Have you ever taken the "Color Code" test? If you haven't, I'd suggest it. If you have, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about when I say I'm identified among the group that hold red character traits. Shocking right? Not. My dad also finds himself mingled among the same group of people. I'll give you a quick run down of what you might find inside this category. The hot heads at sporting events, the bosses of big corporations, the leader of a specific service organization, Mr. overpowering, the "get it done guy", are all among this specific group. There are many other things that help to identify us but when people think "red", this is what they think.

Most of my life I was okay being known with them, I liked the title. As I've gotten older, I have seen many things about my red personality traits that I don't like. I don't always want to be in charge. I don't always want to be the one that people ask to do something because the word "no" isn't in my vocabulary. I'm usually stressed because us "reds" feel the need to take on the world and look good doing it. Serving as a missionary for my church was the exact same pattern. I was asked to train right after being trained, I then was sent to take over a new area and build a program only to 6 weeks later get called to train again, followed again by opening up a brand new program. When something needs to be done or completed, they send the "red". Don't misunderstand me, many other people found in other groups are just as capable and would do an incredible job but they are okay when asked to just sit and relax. A "red" can't do that. We don't know how to just sit and not be in charge. It's almost as if it is physically painful to hand someone else the reigns. Why? Good question. I ask myself that every single day. 

I've set goals, time and time again, to overcome specific "red" tendencies. I want to be able to sit in a conversation and not have to say anything. I want to be able to let someone else take the lead roll. I want to be able to have a soft and quiet voice. I want to be mellow and not seem so full of energy all the time. I set goals to overcome my, what I call, natural man tendencies to do all the things listed above.

I wrote a friend a few months ago and expressed my frustration at the fact that my weaknesses and the things I was working on, were now out on display for those around me to see. It's as if they're on a plate and one by one people come up, pick it up and say "wow. Look at this one everyone!" As everyone gathers around, the ache begins to turn into embarrassment which turns into anger, exposing another weakness. And so it continues. This friend responded to my words by reminding me that the greatest person that ever walked this earth had red tendencies to, even Jesus Christ, the very son of God.

We, as human beings, become very insecure as people point out weaknesses we already know about ourselves. Especially is those weaknesses are things we are currently working on. We wonder if we've even made progress. "Apparently not if people still notice it!" And I try to hush my mind. People often will feel threatened by those who have strengths they don't, and the easiest way to deal with that feeling, is to point out the weaknesses of the one they feel threatened by. Like they are trying to convince themselves that they aren't doing so bad.

My friends, be careful. Be careful the things you say. Painful words are to the soul, like Legos are to the barefoot. Those around you are fighting just as hard of a battle as you are, and most of the time, probably harder. We all have weaknesses. Every single person on this earth has things they're working on and I'm sure they pray every day, just like I do, to have the aid they need to overcome them. There is a passage in the Book of Mormon that I love. It's in Ether 12:27. It says: 

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

Take this the right way, if you are aware of your weakness, that means you're coming closer to Christ. He only shows us our weaknesses after we come unto Him. Don't be upset as your list of weaknesses grows stronger. I can almost guarantee, if you're taking a running list, your list of strengths grows right along with your list of weaknesses. I know mine does, and some days I have to try really hard, but they're there.

Don't quit. Don't let your identity be left to a color. I use to just say as a excuse, "well I'm red. That's just what we do." No, I am not a color. I have those color traits. There is a big difference. I do my best everyday to overcome the negative sides of "red" but all in all, I like my red personalities. The positive outweigh the negatives by far.

We are human. We are all working towards the exact same goal of happiness. Your imperfect self is exactly who this world needs. We don't need perfection. Life's not fun in perfection.