I was reading a book today called The
Return Missionary Handbook. I opened it thinking, “I really hope this has
some answers, because for the first time in 18 months, I no longer have
answers.” I showed up at the book store looking for something that could fill
my time when I wasn’t doing anything else because as a missionary we are use to
100% of the time, having something to do.
I have
been home four weeks now, which makes me a professional at the whole “returned
missionary” thing right? Wrong. As I was reading this book, I had so many
thoughts run through my head as the author shared many true stories of other
missionaries and their struggles that they have experienced upon their return
back to what everyone seems to call normal life. There were many things she
wrote about that I was shocked. The clear and honest truth about this huge life
change. There was one young man who shared his experiences that led me on a path
of thought. I hope to share with you the feelings of my heart. Ive been asked
over 100 times what it is like being home, what are my plans for the future,
and when am I getting married. Folks, let’s take a step back. Here is the
honest truth about being home from a mission.
It is
harder than anyone can help prepare you for. As a missionary in the field, we
have a vision of how everything is supposed to go when we get home. We are
stepping into a fairy tale, or so we have it planned in our head. We imagine
the family trips, the long and warm summer nights with the friends we’ve so
desperately missed, the best date nights ever with the boy we left behind, the
endless nights of movies that we’ve missed, driving down the highway blasting
that new country music we never got to hear, and the endless amounts of phone
calls we will make to all those we can’t see in person. The list can go on and
on. Sometimes they will include two weeks of hibernation to catch up on the
pure exhaustion we feel. Let me tell you, very few of those things have I
actually done.
This
truth is even harder-I have never felt so relieved than the day I was released
as a missionary. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my mission more than I could ever
express with black characters on a white background, but I no longer was having
to carry the weight of souls on my shoulders. Sure, we do in life still, but it
is not the same as it was in the mission field. Serving a mission is simple, it’s
not easy but it’s simple but what people don’t understand unless they do it, is
the pressure that we constantly feel. People wonder why missionaries are so
tired all the time. Well this is why. Yes, we sleep 8 hours a night, more than
we probably ever did before our missions, but our minds are NEVER at rest. We
are constantly worried about everyone else. How do I help this investigator
have a desire to be baptized? How do I get this less active to have a desire to
return to church? How do I help instead of burden the bishop? How do I gain the
trust of my mission president? How do I help this brand new missionary learn
everything they need to know before I leave? In some ways, they are concerns
similar to that of what a parent might feel for their children.
Don’t
misunderstand, being released as a missionary caused tears to flow more freely
than they ever, EVER, have before. Some of those tears came as I pictured faces
of those I served, some came as I felt that release of pressure and my body
realized I could take a breath and rest for a little bit, others came as I
looked at my family that surrounded me that I hadn’t seen in over 18 months, others
were anxiety that filled my heart as everyone in the room asked me what my next
step was.
People
ask me, almost daily, “what does it feel like to be home?” or “how is it being
home?” I always respond the same way, “Its weird.” I say that because my heart
and brain don’t know how to fully respond to that question. Do I say “It feels absolutely
incredible to sleep deeply at night and be surrounded by my family”? or do I say
“I absolutely hate it.” See the issue? Which would you rather hear? We don’t
know how to answer that question. So I’ll answer both. I love it and I hate it.
I don’t miss the stress but I miss the people. I don’t miss being constantly overwhelmed
and feeling inadequate but I miss the strong feelings of the Holy Ghost that we
experience as missionaries. I don’t miss the long list of rules and the 446
rules and regulations in the “White Bible” as well call it (Missionary
Handbook), but I do miss the relationship I had with other missionaries.
See? We
never win. Our heart is constantly torn. There is no way to truly fill the void
we feel as returned missionaries. So, advice-don’t try. Let us hurt. Its okay
to be confused and lost and feel so unsure about what tomorrow is going to look
like because we don’t have a companion to do daily planning with. It means that
the last 18-24 months meant something to us. We only got 18-24 months, so let
us have a few more. Don’t ask us what our next step is, because everyone else
already has. Ask us what we learned, how we’ve changed, and what experiences
impacted us most. Allow us to step out of this world and back into missionary
life for just a few minutes. That’ll leave more of an impact on your heart and
ours if you give us a moment to reflect back on the experiences we just had.
Thank
you for those who have influenced a missionary, soon to be or returned, in any
way. We don’t say it enough but thank you. We couldn’t do what we do without
your help, love and support. This transition back to “normal life” is almost
harder than the transition of becoming a missionary. So instead of trying to
fix it, or speed up the process, love us and support us because one day we will
figure it out. But don’t expect it to be today and be okay with that.
All my love,
Forever-with or without a name tag.
Sister Samantha Ellis
No comments:
Post a Comment