Why is it at times where we have trials thrown at us, they just seem to never stop? We look around the crowded room but still feel like we are alone, or scream and no one even hears us. Sometimes I feel like I am walking the path of life all alone like it’s Gods way of making me stronger. The shame, the doubt, the overwhelming feelings, the anxiety, the fear, the loneliness, and the utter fear sets in and not a single word tends to fix it. No even sees the silent tears run down your cheeks. If they did, would they even care? When I am doing the right thing, why is it that things seem to be the hardest? No one seems to understand.
The time between receiving my mission call and now has been the hardest weeks of me entire life. When people say Satan unleashes on you they aren’t joking. Since then I have moved away from home, started at a university, live with people I didn’t know previously, try to make new friends, attempt to prepare for a mission, moved to a new state, and tried to grasp the concept of adulthood. Its been anything but easy. Im a home body and like the comfort of sleeping in my own bed knowing my family is around and that I am somewhere that I can feel safe and loved. It wasn’t until now that I realized how much I had in the walls of my own home. Yes I know I am still loved by my family and that I can still receive that love, but it is different because we have hundreds of miles separating us. The thought of returning home to them brings tears to my eyes every single time, without fail. The thought of having to leave them for a year and a half brings a river to the surface of my eyes. I am that bird that left the nest and instead of instantly flying, I fell straight to ground.
I had a friend tell me the other day he didn’t even recognize me anymore, that I was somehow missing the part of me that was constantly happy and optimistic in times of hardship. My dad tells me that my brain is overheating. It was use to going 120 miles an hour and it was very good at that, and now it is trying to learn how to go 20 and it isn’t quite sure what to do. I was the girl in high school who did everything. I was involved in anything I could get my hands on. I thrived off of being busy and accomplishing things. I always had a smile tacked on my face when things weren’t going super great because “fake it ‘till you make it” right? Somehow the longer you tell yourself that, the less and less you believe it and the less our heart seems to accept it.
I almost wish I could time travel. If I could jump forward two years from this very moment, I’d be ok with that. Then people say it is best to make the best out of whatever situation you’re in. Yes, I understand that. But have you ever been in a situation so miserable before that you want to crawl up in your bed and not get out? Or you don’t speak a word and you bottle things up because you’re afraid people won’t understand or will call you crazy? Have you ever felt that? If the answer is yes, the last think you care about doing is making the best out of your situation because you would give absolutely anything for the pain and aching to disappear.
Somehow somewhere along the road, God decided we needed to grow. Has growing ever been comfortable? How many times have you taken tylenol because of growing pains in your legs? When I was growing, it was often. Growth spurts were dreaded. The refiners fire is a real thing. God wants the gold and he knows there is a way to get it so he does what is necessary for us to become gold. If gold could speak, how do you think it feels to be at temperature so hot and extremely uncomfortable just so it can shine?
In the eyes of our Savior and Heavenly Father we are that gold. Often we wonder we are really worth the value that has been placed on us. Sometimes I just wish I were copper just so the pain was not necessary. I don’t have the answers, I don’t always understand why the pain is necessary, but it is. Elder Anderson said “There are no coincidences. The challenges you face in life are not accidents; they are hurdles you must clear on the path to your true self- to honor the part of you that is connected to God, that is destines for love and happiness and success.”
I don’t understand them, they don’t all make sense, but somehow in the midst of the darkest times, The Lord shows us light, and often times he shows us that we ourselves can be a light.
Be patient, wait on the Lord, and have far greater faith in Him. He is in control. Don’t try to steer the boat from the back when He sees far better from the front. He loves you. You are NEVER alone, even in the darkest nights. There is hope for a brighter tomorrow. Find comfort in the house of the Lord, in the words of scripture, and in the heart of God. You are his child. He is aware of you and does not want to watch you hurt. Let him do what he does best; love his children, heal broken hearts, and give us hope for a better day.
You are a child of God.
-Samantha Ellis
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