Frozen in Time

    People think I talk about Riley too much, Im sure they get annoyed. I promise if you had a glimpse at my heart, you'd realize why. Life without my best friend isn't even a life I enjoy. Often those around me tell me to enjoy the time I have and to make the best of it and grow myself. Is it so wrong to want to grow with him? Is it so wrong to wish he was here when days were hard? People question if at such a young age, I can understand what love it. Well if this isn't it, I am completely amazed that a heart can love more than this.

     5 Months ago I hugged Riley for the last time for the next 25 months. He is serving an LDS mission in the Florida Tallahassee Mission and at his 7 month mark, I myself will leave to serve the people in Berlin, Germany. It almost feels like time froze after we got about half way through month 4. The days drag on and the nights are hard. 6 months ago he and I sat on my front porch in a very bright summer night. The stars filled the sky and it was a full moon. When we went silent for a minute, I glimpsed at him looking up at the stars. It was that moment I realized what was going to happen just two weeks in the future, he was hopping on a plane and I wouldn't see him until I got off my own plane after being in Germany for a year and a half. Tears filled my eyes and began to run down my cheeks. He didn't say a word. He wiped my tears and held me. He himself began to cry. Many words were exchanged and many heartfelt worries, concerns, and nerves were shared. I don't remember all the things that we said back and forth but I do remember him saying this, "Sam, my biggest fear is you being lonely. I know that turning me over to the Lord for the next two years has not been easy for you. I don't want you to feel the need to put your life on hold for me. I want you to enjoy life, I want you to find who you are and learn to see yourself in a way that I see you and the way your Heavenly Father sees you." Aside from those special words, nothing else really mattered.
     I have known Riley now for 3 years. We have dated for nearly 2.  It's one thing to be separated from your boyfriend or significant other, but being separated from your best friend is even more painful. Looking back now, the night I said goodbye wasn't even the worst, the fact I am forgetting the sound of his voice hurts even worse. For the last 3 years up until he left on his mission, we were together every day. There was rarely a day I didn't see him. Both of our families were always inviting us to do things with them and that has been one of the greatest supports. Even after Riley left, his family still invites me to do things with them and that means more to me than they will ever understand. At times it is hard to walk into his house, or even see his car sitting in the drive way. I walk in his house and still expect him to be standing in the living room sometimes, or to show up at my house unannounced like he use to just to surprise me.

    It amazes me how quickly people judge if the fact that I am in love with a missionary is brought up. They will say things along the lines of, "two years is a long time, a lot can happen." "Why are you wasting time loving someone so far away when you can be happy and enjoy more boys now?" "You know, he will be much more spiritual and much more of a man when he gets home. Are you sure you can keep up with him?" "Sam you are only distracting him. He can't focus fully on his mission and have you in his mind. You're hurting him more than you are helping him." Oh really? Have you ever asked Riley? Have you ever met him? He is more focused on the gospel and his purpose as a missionary than any other 18 year old boy I have ever met. If only they knew how bad that hurt, if only they had a glimpse into my heart. Yes we are young and inexperienced in a lot of ways. We have a lot of learning to do and a lot of growing. We don't know much about being grown up and being an adult. But everyone was there once. I intend to learn all those things about being an adult, and I intend on doing it with him so that we can laugh at our stupid mistakes and learn and move forward.
      If I had to go back 2 years ago and do this all over again, I would. I wouldn't change a thing. I might change some of the decision I made in the background or change the way I reacted to some situations, but would I ever change him and I? Never. Never would even give it a second thought. I have never laughed harder in my life than when I am with him. I've never smiled more, felt more support or felt more loved by anyone outside of my family. He is my constant support. He has supported me in everything I have ever decided to do. I hope I have and can continue to do the same for him. Florida has him for the next 19 months. He will be home a little more than a month before me. But in 20 months when I step off that plane, Riley said "When you step off that plane, I will be there to continue on our journey together, hand in hand." Life has been hard without him. I can't express that too him because I do know he needs to focus and I don't want to pull him away from that. But he understands, just because of the person he is and because he is experiencing it too, what it is like to be separated from your best friend and he is still so comforting from 1600 miles away.

     I am grateful to hold the title of missionary girlfriend. I have learned more about myself and how strong I can be at times, but also how much my heart really is in Florida. Distance really does make the heart grow fonder. 2 years is plenty of time. Im grateful for him every single day and the sacrifices he has made to be where he is and the struggles he has gone through to make him the incredible person and missionary he is. He stepped on a plane with three bags and a heart filled with memories and that was it. That is courage. I can't wait to join him in just a couple of months. In 20 months time, I will hug him and I'll never have to let go. He has my heart and he can keep it.

-Samantha Ellis